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but, what happens when it's over, he wonders. she's called him by his nickname, eyes. she's kissed him, just a quick peck, but a kiss nonetheless. she's been alone with him. sure, he was just helping her with math, but they were alone. he'd like to think that was as big a deal for her as it was for him.
he knows better. he knows he still exists under her radar. for that brief, shining moment he was with her, had her full attention, but nothing came of it, and nothing probably will. he gets that. god, how he gets that. it tears him apart to think of it.
but, in daydreams and the blissful dreams of night, he can still pretned that he's got a chance, that she's not just going to forget him and go on with her life, her friends, her rich existence. even if she'd just ask for his help again, with math, with anything. oh god, if she's just do that much, he'd have fuel enough for a thousand dreams to come.
but, in the halls and in the classrooms, she doesn't even see him, let alone speak to him. it's as if nothing ever happened, as if he didn't feel her lips, so perfect, on his cheek, as if he never heard her beautiful voice, so angelic, call him eyes.
he watches her still, any and every chance he gets. he waits for a glimmer of hope, that tiny little glance his direction, maybe the approximation of a smile, an innocent smirk, a curious grin. he waits for a sign, any sign, that she can't just forget him and go on.
he could see something so great between them, something so grand. he keeps asking, why can't she see it too? the inevitable answer he finds every time is the same. she can't see it because it isn't there. he only sees it because he's so desperate and he's alone. he only sees it because he's got no friends and loving her would be as close to perfection as he could ever hope to be. he only sees it because not seeing it would hurt a little too damn much.
but, what does his pain mean to her? what can it matter if he hurts? what does it matter if he aches inside for her? she's got her great life, her great friends. she doesn't need him. and probably, he realizes, she doesn't even want him and never could and never would.
and, that's that, at least until he sees that invisible sign, that glorious sign, that there could be something more . . .
"so he goes on as before"
regb
1-17-99
2:51pm